Carbon Credits to Reduce Your Debt?

Can this be true?

I heard a rumor. I don’t know if it is true. It seems like it might not be true, but it also sounds plausible. I heard that ASU will start giving its faculty and students their carbon debt. For example, you might begin working or studying at ASU, and your new employee or student information will be a number. That number represents how many tons of carbon you have used in your life.

The number will be based on your intersectionality to whiteness. The closer to the center of the intersectionality graph you are, the more carbon debt you have. The carbon debt will determine what you can and can’t do in your time at ASU. Can you speak in class? Can you attend important guest lectures by Ibram X. Kendi? How many mandatory re-education summer camps will you have to attend?

However, ASU will offer you ways to pay down your debt. If you take their sustainability class about social justice and shopping at Starbucks, you get a carbon credit. If you go through a shame session about whiteness, you get a carbon credit. If you write a paper about how Trump voters are white supremacists, you get five carbon credits. And if you can recite the Native American Land Acknowledgment by memory while bowing, you get ten carbon credits!

I also hear there are other plans regarding the number of carbon credits an employee or student can earn if they volunteer at Planned Parenthood to help prevent unwanted humans from using up the environment.

I suspect this is just a rumor. No one sells indulgences in our day. ASU would never do this.